No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.