Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me