Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
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I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.