GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!