Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Okay
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.