my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.