People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.