*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
You Might Also Like
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.