My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun