Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
23. the denim jacket
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Living the best life.. 😊
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.