Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.