I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.