Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning