For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.