the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Terribly Tuesday.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.