I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW