Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
some Old Testament wisdom
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me