It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.