Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.