Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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In banana years, I am bread.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)