Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
I am a gravy boat captain
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
yall want some gasoline milk
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
☺️
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?