You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Tier 3 meme
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.