Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids