*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Strange things: the prequel
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?