I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Planet of the Apps.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?