Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?