My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.