How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Woke up against my better judgement again
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac