[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂