Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.