Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Okay
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?