“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
bury ourselves
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs