Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”