He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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The Purge: Valentine’s Day
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.