It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.