Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Phonetics
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.