her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
dogs can find happiness so easily