All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
You Might Also Like
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Butt weight. There’s more!
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
just pretend nothing happened
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
😂😂😂
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.