People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
they really do be looking like this
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
tell em, edith-anne
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Phonetics
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said