Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.