[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
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My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.