there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN