No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?