*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I’d love this…lol
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?