“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I have a new favorite meme page
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.