police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
not to brag, but mine was free
accurate
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.