One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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one last job
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.