People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode