back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?