Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.